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I asked him who he was, and he said, "I'm Sweeney," and I believed him. I probably shouldn't have, except that it was true. I can always tell when people are telling the truth.

Mum and Dad were still in the last battles of the divorce, so I was trying to keep myself out of their hair as much as possible. This was why I had packed two cornmeal pancakes and an old plastic dish of syrup and was heading out into nowhere, where I wasn't necessarily wanted but sure as hell wasn't unwelcome. Not that I was resentful about it or anything. Nobody wants to fight in an amphitheater. Well, nobody but gladiators, but you don't see a lot of those around these days. Goes to show you.

So out I went, with my book and my pair of half-crumbling pancakes and my yellow wellies and an old, oatmeal-colored jumper that had holes in the elbows. "Get a new one, Linnie," everybody was always saying. The truth was I had gotten used to it, and now it felt weird not to have my elbows out in the wind like that. Out on the edge of some stranger's field on a rock under some old tree, reading my book, eating my pancakes, with my elbows comfortably half-frozen in the new fall air. Nigh on paradise for somebody like me, that is to say an ungrateful teenaged child knocked out of the house by more serious topics.

And that's where I found Sweeney. In that tree, over that cold old rock in some unfamiliar field. Just looked up and there he was, watching me from the smooth, gnarled limb over my head, naked and white as the sky.

"Who are you?" I said.

"I'm Sweeney," he said.

It was true.

He was as mad as they say, in the stories. You could see it. It shone out of him, like his skin was made out of paper like one of those Chinese lanterns, a weird, flimsy, mortal envelope around the kind of madness that they make stories out of. You could tell he was old. Not the way you're thinking, I mean, because even though his hair was faded right out to white there were moments when he'd turn just so and you could see he'd had the face of a king. I mean old the way memories get old. Faded and twisted and turned a little vague, stretched out in one direction or only properly sharp when you see them from one angle. His arms and legs a little too long, skin like wood with the bark peeled off. Eyes like I don't know what.

I guess that's where the madness comes in.

I looked up at him, less wary than you'd think. I don't know why. "What're you doing there?" I said.

Instead of answering, he just pointed down at me with one worn, too-long finger. "What's that?" he said.

I looked down at my hands, at the warped little plastic dish. "It's a pancake," I said. "You want some?" I dipped it in the cold syrup and handed it up to him, and he ate it on the shoulder of the tree, his feet clinging to the branch under him.

"What're you doing up there?" I asked again.

He glanced down at me and licked the syrup from the palm of his hand. "I'm lost," he said.

And, before I could answer, he stood up like a spider, crossed his arms and looked me real hard in the eyes. "So are you," he said. And he turned and jumped, effortlessly, disappeared into the half-empty branches of the edge of the woods. Left me facing an empty tree with a handful of crumbs and a dish of maple syrup dripping into the dust.

Wasn't until I turned to go that I realized I didn't remember how to get home.
Just a very vague start to a very vague little story. More to come, eventually.

Edit: holy moles, guys! this is my first ever DD and I was not expecting it and it kind of terrified me, but I'm really flattered haha! Thanks a lot, really, and I'm glad you all liked it. :)
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-06-08
~tweedledoom hooks readers with the clear imagery of Bringing Down Sweeney. ( Featured by neurotype )
:iconkijan:
Kijan Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your words sucked me right into your finely crafted world. :)
Reply
:icondoublethefun:
doublethefun Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2013
Really engaging and well paced piece! I loved your writing style.
"He was as mad as they say, in the stories. You could see it. It shone out of him, like his skin was made out of paper like one of those Chinese lanterns, a weird, flimsy, mortal envelope around the kind of madness that they make stories out of." ---> my favorite lines :) Actually I loved that whole paragraph though. I admire a good character description.
Reply
:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013   Writer
I adored this.
Reply
:iconsimplysilent:
SimplySilent Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013
:heart: Congrats on the DD! :clap:
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Student General Artist
Well, that's certainly an interesting story. It's a fairly standard premise, but an unexpected development. I like it, though. :hug:
Reply
:iconurbied:
urbied Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013
This little story is exactly why I look at Deviantart every day. I love it-talks right to my imagination.
You are right. It's raw. It's a first rate second rate story (or a second rate first rate). With the tiniest bit of editing it is super; but don't mess with it's edginess. Submit it just like this and let an Editor earn their paycheck.
I just noticed that it was submitted over two years ago. Are you published yet? Best wishes.
Reply
:iconfirelightprincess:
firelightprincess Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist
Beautifully written!
Reply
:iconquiestinliteris:
QuiEstInLiteris Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Professional Writer
I dig it. I do hope there will be some more.
Congratulations on your DD!
Reply
:iconlintu47:
lintu47 Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
    Congrats on the DD! :dalove:
    Have a nice day! :heart:
Reply
:iconriparii:
riparii Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013
Oh, nice one. I hope you come back and finish this.
Reply
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I hope you did more with this, or are still thinking about it. I like it as a standalone, but I would eat up more.
Reply
:iconworldofpaper:
WorldofPaper Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You know, I really dislike heavy metaphor and simile in stories. They tend to feel flowery, time consuming, and like an attempt to draw attention away from a plot that's otherwise completely uninteresting.

Yet I loved it here. Somehow you used it just right. Maybe the contrast between vague and descriptive was just right. Maybe I just have no idea what I'm talking about and don't know how to analyze a story. I dunno. All I know is that that description of Sweeney made me smile, especially when it all broke down. It was a description that really painted a good picture of what the main character was seeing, gradual realization of the insanity they were seeing and all.

I'm also a big fan of how many of the sentences began in abnormal, grammatically off ways. It gave a good idea of how the main character spoke and thought.

I do somewhat agree with the above poster, though, mostly about the lengthy sentences. It made them a bit easy to stumble over at times. It was far from a serious problem, but it did stand out in what was otherwise an amazing piece.

Seriously though, I liked this a lot. Nice stuff.
Reply
:iconcannykins:
cannykins Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really enjoyed the story. However, some of the wording confused me a bit, like this one:

Out on the edge of some stranger's field on a rock under some old tree, reading my book, eating my pancakes, with my elbows comfortably half-frozen in the new fall air. Nigh on paradise for somebody like me, that is to say an ungrateful teenaged child knocked out of the house by more serious topics.

I feel like it could be reworded better. The first sentence seems awfully long. I feel like I'm just listing off things. In all honesty, I'm not sure how to reword it myself without infringing on your style. Maybe it's just a style I'm not used to. Over all I think it has a nice flow with some bumps in the road. It's vague, and intriquing. Being a Narrative style, your work has some of the best imagery I've read so far.

Other than your wording (some feel ongoing run ons while other's feel like I'm listing items on a checklist), I find this piece enjoyable! The structure is decent. Paragraphs aren't too long or too short. Punctuation is good as is grammar from what I can see. I have indeed, enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconcorvuscreative:
corvuscreative Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2010
Wow. You definitely have a talent for imagery in your work. You are able to give details that paint a clear picture, while not over-indulging the senses with it. Very well written.
Reply
:icontweedledoom:
tweedledoom Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2010   General Artist
:) Thanks!
Reply
:iconrpgraphicdesign:
RPGraphicDesign Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2010  Professional Interface Designer
that is an incredibly vague story, but it's definitely in a good way...i like the characters, the setting, and the plot. it's all very well done.
Reply
:icontweedledoom:
tweedledoom Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2010   General Artist
Thanks, and thanks a lot for the fave! :)
Reply
:iconrpgraphicdesign:
RPGraphicDesign Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2010  Professional Interface Designer
no problem, it was a good story
Reply
:iconcreated-by-caz:
Created-By-Caz Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
A very interesting read, looking forward to the next part!
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